bttrasgrnysmths

First off, though, I am really glad that senators stood up in congress against the FMA.... the Wisconsin Representatives are awesome for not supporting it. I would marry Russ Feingold if it was legal.

Also, being single is just as wretched as ever. Though I guess it is nice to look at 'merchendise'... there's this really cute boy who has come into MEGA to buy food ::obviously:: a couple of times. And it's not that he's the most gorgeous guy in the world. But I am really attracted to him. How do I know that? The couple or few times he's been in there that I've seen, I just get soo nervous for no reason. Last night was one of those times. I don't know... it's hard to describe. I've been wanting to be in a relationship for pretty much as long as I've been alive. Not that I really know what to do or what it's like (I 'dated' once and then proceeded to fuck it up), but you have to start somewhere. Back in high school, one of my 'friends' kept telling me "You don't have to be in a relationship blah blah".... that came from a girl who was in a relationship all through high school and on and off through college so far. Qualified to say that I don't need to?? That's up to anybody to decide. But if I don't want to be alone the rest of my life (which is my third biggest fear), I have to start somewhere. Maybe it's my problem that I'm single. At least it's part of the problem. I don't take any initiative in meeting people. I don't just let go of apprehensions and put myself out there Can't really blame me though since I go to school in Eau Claire... though I have seen quite a few MARYS lately.

Who the fuck knows.... I have to get ready for work. I'm single, desperate, and lonely. And work makes me frustrated. Post a comment if you have any advice on anything. And Russ Feingold makes me wet.

Over the past six months or so, I have been thinking about post-college. Granted that it will be a while before I dooo graduate. But I have been thinking nonetheless. So what I want to do is move to Canada. For a number of reasons.

First, they just have a great organization of government. Healthcare affordable and available to everybody. Clean environment. People actually take initiative in their government. And granted that every government is corrupt, their's is less corrupt than the current state of the United State's. Canada has legalized same-sex unions... and that's not the whole reason why I would move there. But the fact that they recognize homosexual and transgender/transexual people is amazing. Here, in America, government officials are fighting to make LGBT people second class citizens (link). The only legislator that is currently doing anything to help people retain their rights is Russ Feingold (D-WI). I would marry him if I could because he is the least corrupt senator in America, yet he isn't rated very high among the other 99 senators. Whatever, people can go fuck themselves.

Second, I have been getting more and more afraid of the direction our country is going in. In case you didn't know, I listen to podcasts... and quite a few at that. A good number of them are entertaining but one in particular is both entertaining AND informational. Madge Weinstein (link) of Yeast Radio (link) occaisonally features two former US citizens who run their own podcast. Well, I think one of them is a former citizen and the other is still one. Anyway, they both live in Europe and do the podcast called Karmabanque (link). Recently, on Yeast Radio show 378 (link), Max and Stacy discuss where America's economy is heading. And it frightens me. Basically, the US dollar is depreciating in value. The main reason is because the Bush administration is printing off LOTS of money in order to pay for this "WAR ON TERRORISM" (on a previous show of Yeast Radio, Madge played a clip of Bush's weekly radio address. He refered to the current state of our presence in Iraq as a "situation"). So, because of the rules of supply and demand, since there is more printed money the value of it is lower. This is leading us to hyperinflation... basically what would happen is even the richest people won't be able to afford the cost of living. Anyway, quite a few countries have investments in the US dollar. When those countries remove their investments (which helps control the national debt), the dollar has an increased chance of collapsing. And then we are all fucked.

Another interesting thing that I learned from Yeast Radio show 378 is about what could happen with the invasion of Iran. Right now, we are in a post-Cold War era... which, of course, we were against Russia and communism and whatnot. Russia and China, to counterbalance the United States, setup the Shanghai Corporation Organization (link). The SCO set this up in the event that USA would invade one of those two countries or a surrounding one. It currently consists of Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Russia, the People's Republic of China, Tajikistan, and Uzbekistan. And the four observer countries are Mongolia, Pakistan, India, AND Iran. The SCO was originally setup because the USA reverse its nuclear policy and adapted the National Missile Defense. What this means is if we enter Iran then we have to deal with all of the six other countries as well. Iran is set to become a participating country in the SCO on June 15th of this year....

To add on to all of that, the current administration and followers want to keep people from living in the United States. Umm, everybody living in this country came from some other place at one place in time. There is no reason to keep people out. If they aren't welcome, then maybe I don't want to be welcome either.

So I think that I have more than enough reasons to want to leave this country. Sure, I should do something to try to make change. Work with others to make change. But there is only so much that one person or a group of people can do. And granted that the approval rating of Bush and his dousche-bag followers is at an all time low... but people buy into the dogma they create. They play off of the fears of people. "Marriage Protection Act"?? What is there to protect? The instiution of marriage in religion? Who is to say that religion is as important as it used to be? Spirituality, like Christianity, was created to explain what could not explain. Take ancient Greece for example. They had gods and goddesses for every natural phenonema. So did ancient Egypt. So did/do Native Americans. So did/do Asiatic Indians. So did the Myans. The Aztecs. In this day and age, people don't need religion to explain what is happening in the world all around us. And justifying actions in the name of religion is not an accurate representation of everybody living in the United States.

I guess that's enough of me bitching and complaining.... I move back to Eau Claire on Thursday. I am excited, nervous, anxious, scared, happy... every emotion. I don't know what to expect. And it's kind of scary. But that's life. It's scary.

Have a good rest of your week to anybody reading this crap. Hopefully some of it makes sense :P

Irrelevant stuff like.... temperature is such an interesting thing. No, I'm not doped up. But it really is interesting. All through my two semesters of Chemistry, we were told that increasing temperature causes molecules to move/vibrate more. But is it possible that when molecules move faster, temperature increases? I thought about this while looking at a thermometer. When molecules of air collide with the glass holding the mercury or whatever they have now, is it possible that the temperature-measuring fluid reacts by moving faster and swell up or down the tube? Whatever, that's just a little thought I had.

But for the stuff that's worth thinking about... life is kind of scary. It's scary that I don't know where I will be in a year from now. Am I going to be alive? Am I going to be in a relationship? Will I be happy with where I am at? What will I be doing? Where will I be?

I started thinking about that after my mom and I talked earlier last week. Well, it wasn't so much that we talked as much as she talked and I listened. The past few months, in case you haven't picked up on it, I haven't exactly been the happiest. And the possibility of it being depression-related has become more possible as time goes on. Even before Christmas, this became a likely possibility. That's when I had my first recognizable anxiety attack. And since then, I've had at least three more. And each one becoming worse and worse. The last one I had was two days before the semester was over. I was paralized with anxiety, panic, whatever. I was stuck laying on the floor. Fully conscious. Unable to move. I couldn't help myself. And I also couldn't help but think "Am I dying? Is this it? Does my time end on my dorm room floor with my stuff surrounding me?"

And, like I just said, I've become less and less satisfied with life or whatever. And I don't feel like I have fulfilled anything. Is it because I am lonely? Is it just because I'm not meant to lead a fulfilling life? What is it? I know I need to talk to someone (therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, whatever) about it and have an objective viewpoint on my life. Someone to tell me what could be happening. I don't have any reason to not be happy. I have really great friends. I have a really great family ::with the exception of my dad and brother::. I'd say that I'm moderatly successful and going in the right direction. So what is there to have anxiety or depression about?

My mom suggested that I need to go onto medication. She had been taking Zoloft, I think. But it supressed the emotions she needed to be feeling all about a lot of things too much. So she's off of it now. It's kind of surprising to have her say that maybe I need to be on something. Then again, maybe it's not. Back in 9th grade, I suffered depression horribly. I didn't know where I fit in. I didn't feel like I had anything to be happy about. Now that I think about it, a lot like how my life is right now. That's scary.... I started to become more and more suicidal. I don't want to be that low ever again. I don't want to be stuck in bed because I couldn't convince myself to wake up and get on with life.

So we will see.... I just need to make time to make that first step. That's the hardest for anymore. Making that first step to resolving issues.

ALright, ttyl

So here I am... April 26, 2006. Just a normal day. Well, sort of. Today is the National Day of Silence. It is a national youth movement protesting the silence faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and their allies. My deliberate silence echoed that silence, which is caused by harassment, prejudice, and discrimination. Not talking for one whole day (except when I got food). That's pretty hard for a person like me to achieve since I am pretty social by nature. But this silence made a huge impact on me. It reminded me of how I used to be. Living day to day while trying to hide something. Trying to hide who I am. Not being able to tell anyone my true identity in fear that I will be rejected. And this really puts things into perspective. I am blessed with amazing friendships that have only grown since accepting myself. It reminds me that there are people who live in fear of people finding out who they really are and fear the risk of alienation.

Last night, I helped out a friend ::Kevin:: with a sociology project. He interviewed me sort of on camera about homosexuality. And it was really good for me to speak thoughts about things ranging from discrimination to rights to who I am. I am a human being. I deserve the same rights as everyone else. Marriage is not a privelege; it is a right. Adoption is not a privelege; it is a right. Feeling comfortable at work, doing what I enjoy, is not a privelege; it is a right. Laws need to be created to end discrimination. Laws that are for everyone to create a sense of equality. Not laws that essentially separate people people and create special exceptions. And he is going to show the video to his class today… which is actually kind of a coincidence. While I am not talking today, my message is being made to people that I see today and those that I don’t see as well.

I really can’t say that my “coming-out” and “coming into my own” has really been all that difficult. I have only experienced discrimination directly on less than a handful of occasions. The first real one was last Summer right before coming back to school for Fall semester. That was with my supposed-to-be roommate... That was, well, interesting to say the least. And just this past Spring break was the other one. And that was barely more than a month ago, too. That doesn’t mean that everyone else has it easy. People are disowned, kicked out of their houses, killed, etc., for merely trying to find happiness. Being gay is no more of a choice than choosing what eye color you want to be born with.

I am stayed quiet for every man, woman, boy, and girl who is afraid to express their true identity because of racial, spiritual, sexual, and gender discrimination. And hate. And intolerance. I believe that ending that silence is the first step toward fighting these injustices. Think about the voices you did not hearing today.

And then I debated whether or not I should go to the ceremony on lower campus at 5 (sort of like a “breaking the silence” thing). I seriously kept changing my mind for 20 or 30 minutes before deciding that I should go. I made it through the day without speaking for the most part and if I wanted what I did to make any sort of impact, I knew I needed to go. So with only 15 minutes to get to lower campus and figure out where the hell I was going, I left. It was kind of interesting because I was pretty much an outsider (all of the people there knew each other through Spectrum and whatnot I guess). Which is alright. I mean, I don’t really associate with anybody who is not either:

1. someone who I’ve known since last year; or
2. somebody in one of my classes.

We all walked to Wilson Park (it’s between Lake and State/Washington on Farwell) and met up with a group of people from Eau Claire Memorial and others. I sort of felt awkward since, like I said, I was pretty much an outsider. But, go figure, I put my “Why-the-Fuck-Not” game face on and made the most out of it all. And it was good to hear about other people’s experiences during the day. Like students at EC Memorial wearing shirts saying “I’m Straight” on the front and “And Proud Of It” on the back. Really interesting and it sort of tied the whole day together. And I got facebook’d by one of the guys that was there. So this is all a good thing.

What are you going to do to end the silence?

And ::National Day of Silence:: is on Wednesday. And I am going to do it. This is going to be interesting not talking all day long. It will be hard.

I was also asked to be interviewed about being GAY soon so that will be nice. As long as it is not on Wednesday. Ok, I am done. And still really poor. Buuuut I have officially un-quit smoking because, lets face it. It keeps my life in order.

And I am going to get my navel pierced AND get my third tattoo in mid-May. Either one or both. Depends on how much money I have. I am looking forward to it.

March 20
So, I really didn't do anything except pay my first parking ticket ever. Thank you, Cedarburg! I also called my best friend Katie and made the plan for me to come over to her/her parent's house for Tuesday night.

March 21
I went to Fon du Lac to visit Katie and my second family... SO MUCH FUN! I saw the weenies and the princess (all of them are dogs: Maggie and Trevor the Dachshunds and Noel the Dalmation Princess/Queen/Diva) and Danny (Katie's beagle mix that she saved from a humane society). I also saw my 2nd mom, brother, and dad. We all went to Outback Steakhouse for dinner. YUMMMMMMM!!! I ate steak, 1/5 of a blooming onion, mashed potatoes, a salad, and a third of the tallest ice cream sundae I have ever seen. Needless to say, I had a bloat. But then me and Katie stayed up late watching a bunch of movies and talking and just spending time with each other. Something that the two of us definitly needed with each other.

March 22
Katie and I spend the whole day just hanging out and running around the place. We got lost on the way to the hospital in Fon du Lac for her appointment. We completely missed the street we needed to turn off on. Not like we would have found it anyway because the old bitch who gave us directions told us to turn the wrong way on the right street. So if we would have seen our turn, we wouldn't know where to go from there. So after that and a large-delicious meal at KFC, we headed for Milwaukee so she could pick up her boyfriend from work and I could possibly meet someone. So we went to Walgreens to get some makeup and moisturizer  for my skin.... to make it look un-diseased and healthy. We got those and, for fun, mascara and eyeliner. Hot hot.  We get back to my house and she shows me techniques and walks me through all the junk that goes along with it. Later that night my mom and brother come home. My mom looks at me and asks "Are you wearing eye makeup??" "Umm, yea. Why?" This is the point where my mom starts laughing. So I ask "What's your problem?" "Hahahahah, I'm not laughing at you... I'm laughing at your brother's reaction". To add more insult, she asks "Are you going to be around people who are, you know, okay with this kind of stuff??" So uber-annoyed, I walk away (SIDE NOTE: My mom should know that this means LEAVE ALONE). I go into my room, lightly slam my door and the bitch opens it and tries explaining herself. I don't want any of this so I brush past her and she corners me in the front hall....... "Greg, you can't do this kind of stuff in front of your brother if he doesn't know. You know, look flaming and queer" "Umm, why not? I can do whatever the fuck I want. And why are you so concerned with what other people will think of me if I evidently don't give a shit?" "Well, you know, whevener you leave he asks me what is wrong with you. And do you expect me to tell him you're gay?" "Noooo???" "It's just so hard on me" SOOOOOOO ANNOYED!!!!!!! AGH! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!?!?!?! I was ready to shove that bitch to the ground (SIDE NOTE: she is calling right now..... but I'm not going to answer and I'll let you know why soon). I retire to my room for the rest of the night. THOOOUGH something intesting aside from that drama happened. I was supposed to meet up with a relatively new """FREIND""" that night but cancelled for the about 4th time over this Spring Break and this past Winter Break. Basically whatever.... no point in trying to get anything else out of that because it's almost a waste of time. Whatevs....

March 23
Sooo thinking today would be different and not really knowing that it would be a continuation of the previous night, I did the makeup thing to hone my talents. And if you think that's too faggy, get with the program. Makeup is becoming the new frontier for men. And it's not like any men have any control in relationships because women run the show and men are their little emasculated bitches. (HOLLA! YOU GO GURLSSSS!) I went to lunch with one of my really good friends I used to work with at Perkins which was a splendid time. Then I got my mom's birthday gift which is/was the 24^th. Then I come back home and the devil better known as my brother was home from school I guess (he's 22, an ex-drug addict, a current alcoholic, loser, incompassionate human being if you can even consider him one, and has major anger issues). I was getting ready to wrap my mom's gift (picture frame, artsy-drama-romance DVD, bath pearls, and Tazo's Passion Tea). The wrapping paper was plain white tissue paper that I colored things onto with marker. My brother, ignorant asshole, somewhat aggressively asks me why I am coloring with marker on tissue paper on the carpet. So I move it onto the thick stack of them. That was the least of my problems after that point. I'll do something to distinguish dialouge. My brother will be normal text like this, I will be BOLD. That way it'll be easier for me to go through. Basically he was talking very hostile the whole time and attacking me with words (for a while) and I was replying somewhat witty at first but then it ended up just as violent as he was because it was how I reacted to the situation.

• What's wrong with you??
  
• What are you talking about?
• Greg, keep it real. You know what I am talking about. What the fuck is wrong with you?
• Umm, you're going to have to clarify what you mean so then I can give you the answer you want.
• Greg, I know what's going on. Are you gay?
• Yes. Do you have a problem with it?
• Yea, I do! What the fuck! Why are you like this?! When did this start?
• Umm, I've always been gay
• No you haven't
• Umm, mother fucker, I'm pretty sure I know more about myself than you do. I've always been like this

1. Accept the fact that I am gay and I am not going to change; or
   
2. Don't have anything to do with it

To return to the whole not answering my mom's phone calls (she called another time after when I noted it.... because I sent her a text saying "I don't want to hear what you have to say")..... it is a cummulation of a number of things:

1. Laughing at how other people reacted to what I was doing with myself
2. Asking if I was going to be around people who are "OK" with how I looked
3. Not coming home to give me support when I needed ti and my life was pretty much in danger
4. Making me feel like it was my fault
5. Saying that I am always going to be around people who aren't going to be comfortable with me (WRONG BITCH! I CAN CHOOSE WHO I AM AROUND!)

Spring break was interesting. FUN in the begining, DRAMA in the middle, and FUN at the end. I am proud of how much I have grown in the past year in how I have dealt with the situation (although I was pretty immature still). But I am proud I left home and avoided having to deal with being persecuted in my own home. I don't know..... my brain is so drained from telling that story for the 4th time now. It's hard but I can get through it. I am a strong person. I can do it. I just need to let my brain process it all. So yea.... Spring Break '06 is over and classes start tomorrow...... BYE!!!!! <3

Sping Break '06... I have a feeling this is going to be wild, fun, and pretty much the first substantial thing I've done in 2006

Since I got home on Friday night, I've basically gotten noooo sleep because I've been going out constantly and doing something no matter what. I've been to downtown Milwaukee four times in 3 days, to Cedarburg, parties, road trips, sports events, and shopping centers. I've eatten sushi, nachos, salads, and wraps. I've seen a few old friends and many not-so-old ones, too.

But here is a breakdown on what I've been up to. I was going to wait BUT I can't help myself right now :D

3|17
I got home and talked to my mom for the first time in at least 2 weeks at that point. Kind of strange, I know, but maybe it's for the best??? So I got ready to head out and go to a little party-thang. Lots of fun. Good way to start out my break and spend my St. Patrick's day (I got drunk in his honor hahahaha). Time flew by as I was having a good time, got to know people I met last Spring break a little better ::hehehe:: (no, my clothes stayed on... f'real), and I shut down two nasty looking, ummm, men???